The miracle is not to fly in the air, or to walk on the water, but to walk on the earth.
Life has kept me quite busy lately. I’m so behind on my housework it’s ridiculous. I’m. So. Tired. I’ve been getting back into swimming laps at the gym again and that makes me pretty happy. When you’re in the pool, there’s nothing else in the world. There’s no interpersonal conflicts to resolve, nobody else needs you to listen to them, there’s not three months of mail that needs to be sorted, or appointments to reschedule because you missed them, no phone calls to return, no tasks lists, no calendars, no code to debug for the millionth time. Nothing. It’s just you, your breathing pattern, and the sound of your own heartbeat magnified in the water.
Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid
They increased my medicine. I don’t seem to be tolerating it as well this time. I need to nap a lot more than normal (twice today already). I have virtually no appetite, and my shoes feel like they’re full of needles. My eyes can’t quite focus sometimes and it makes it really hard to work because I have to re-read the same line of code several times only to turn around and lose my place… I feel like I’m off balance about 70% of the time so I keep bumping into stuff. Worse than any of that though is feeling like my blood itches all the time. The joys of nervous system based medications. I suppose if I were brave I wouldn’t mention it at all though. I suppose I’m torn between martyrdom and pity. Somedays I wish I could just be like “Dear World, I know you all have problems and I have responsibilities, but I’m not coming out from under the covers today. I’ll see you tomorrow. Thanks.” But I don’t do that. I put the fact that my blood itches and tingles out of my mind and I continue to work through my to do list and be as pleasant as I can along the way.
But holy crap what I wouldn’t give for one day to just stay in bed all day, with no texts, or phone calls, or traffic.
