Under Construction

I’m not afraid of tomorrow because I’ve seen yesterday and I love today.

 

I’m fantastic. That’s not news to anyone. I’m really amazed when I look back at how much I’ve grown over the last 10 months. Once I realized that I was holding myself back with my life, I set out to change that. Now I love my life and the people in it more than I ever thought possible. Are there areas of my life I still want to change? Of course, but I like to think I’ll never be done growing anyway.

So now that I’ve taken care of the “have an awesome life” thing, I’ve realized that there are some other really important things I need to work on that are still holding me back. I’m great at making friends, and I think that a huge part of that is because of how much I genuinely care about others. It takes me a little while to warm up to people and it takes some time before I consider people “friends” but the key here is time, the rest is easy for me. 

How quickly I care for people causes me to guard myself in some ways. Most specifically in the romantic sense. I suppose this stems from my intense fear of abandonment but when I make a friend, they’re mine for life even if they move away. 

That’s not the case with romance. When it doesn’t work out, that person leaves your life, and that’s very painful for me to imagine. The other thing is that I have this belief I cannot shake that no one could ever possibly love me. So I’ve built a really dangerous bridge to my heart and paid a white bearded wizard to stand guard and shout “None Shall Pass”. 

The problem with this approach is that some people will make it through, but they’ll be the ones that think I don’t want anyone so they won’t care about me, they’ll just enjoy the challenge of the bridge and the wizard. But that’s my fault, I’m drawing those people in with my entire approach. It’s kind of like looking for a roommate on craigslist and being surprised when they remind you of a strange combination of your Dad and Jeffrey Dahmer. 

So what I’ve done here, is I’ve created a self-fulfilling prophecy. No one can possibly love me so I’m going to go out of my way to draw in people that aren’t looking to connect with me anyway so that when it doesn’t work out I can have my belief that there is no reason for anyone to care about me validated. 

This is a problem. I had originally tried to fool myself into thinking that I was ok with never having a relationship again, but there’s so much in life that I have to resign myself to giving up if I do that. I’ve always been of the belief that anything worth having is worth working for, so why have I allowed myself to build up such an aversion to experiencing pain? 

That is not the kick-ass world dominating ninja Victoria that I know you all love. 

If I’ve learned anything in the past year, it’s that pain will not kill me. 

So what exactly does all of this emo stuff you didn’t want to know anyway boil down to?

I’m not looking for a relationship. I’m enjoying my life way too much to actively be looking to change it, and I never want to be with someone that I don’t absolutely adore. But I’m not going to run away from opportunities anymore. 

 

 

 

A Little Closer To Home

The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.

I’ve been working on making photo albums lately (it’s a very long time coming) and it’s made me a bit reflective. I didn’t realize how long I’ve been with most of my friends nor how well they know me. For a long time I felt as though I felt close to others but no one felt close to me. It’s only been in opening myself up to them lately that I’ve learned that was my doing.

People open up to me. Random strangers on elevators will confess their sins to me before I have time to choose a floor. I’ve never really understood the value of returning the favor until now.

I’ve been having dinners with friends lately and it’s really nice. That would have sent me running away screaming in the past though. The level of intimacy required to just sit around someone’s house and chat about nothing over dinner when the only thing connecting you is the fact that you all like to be around each other. I like to think it’s a testament to how far I’ve come.

I want to live a life where people just come and go in my home. Where people stop by because they love me and just want to see me for a few minutes. I want to be the family whose kids friends walk in after school and ask what’s for dinner. (Then I have to be like, “Get your feet off the table Michael!” I’m assuming my children will have a friend named Michael and he will be so comfortable in my house he will put his feet on my dinner table).

I think I got a little bit closer to that the other day. I cooked dinner and baked cupcakes for some friends and everyone just sat in the kitchen and chatted while dinner cooked, then proceeded to talk for about and hour and a half after dinner (though not exactly family friendly conversation). It turns out you learn the most about other people over dinner! The thing that really made me happy though?One of my friends rang the doorbell but then walked right in.

You Can’t Truly Love Until You’ve Given Up On It

I believe in love. For everyone else.

When I first broke up with Jared  I expected the feeling that there is not love in this world for me to fade but it has only grown stronger.

I see men out with their girlfriends/wives check out other women so many times a day that I lose count by noon. Yes, women do that too but it only serves my point further -  Why would I want to be involved in that?

There are so many people that are so clearly unhappy in their relationships, it would seem as though it would take something incredibly unlikely to cause a couple to fall outside of this category.

It is incredibly rare to see the kind of love where both people make each other better people. The kind of love where when you meet a person’s ‘other’ you say to yourself “Of course that’s who they’re with. There couldn’t possibly be anyone else.”

I know this happens from time to time. I’ve seen it. I just don’t believe in it for me. I can’t let myself believe.  I am strong and resilient when it comes to everything else. This is the one time I give my self permission to walk away.

 

I dug seeking treasure

Just to wake up in an early grave.

So I stopped right there and said

Go on alone, ’cause I won’t follow.

This isn’t giving up, no this is letting go

Out with the old dreams I’ve borrowed

The path I carve from here on out will be my own.

 

If There Is No Struggle, There Is No Progress

If I could pick a day to live in forever, it wouldn’t be today.

We moved Brett to his new home in Nashville today and we’ve known that today was going to happen for about four months now, but it still seems like it came out of nowhere. Even when we were painting last week I somehow had not yet fully acknowledged that he was really leaving. For the last 7 years he’s never been more than 10 miles away (and was about 3 miles away for 5 of those) , so 45 feels a little bit like the other side of the ocean.

The fact that it was definitely time for him to leave Murfreesboro does make it easier. He has outgrown this place and now he has a bigger territory to conquer.

Still, it took me by surprise when I walked into a completely undecorated living room that has always felt like a second home to me. As his bedroom slowly emptied I started thinking about the day I helped him paint it while Hoodwinked played on the tv. Which in turn reminded me of the countless times we’ve randomly quoted that movie.

When I pulled out of the parking lot with a car full of 27 computers and monitors it hit me that Brett Perkins no longer lives in Murfreesboro. Murfreesboro is my home and it’s different now.  It’s like someone took a huge frame off the wall and all that’s left is the outline of where it used to be.

I know this is a necessary step. Change is important, and I can take solace in knowing that the only reason it makes me sad is because it’s something worth missing.

Don’t be sad because it’s over, smile because it happened.

It Is Good For the Character to Put Your Life in Danger

I couldn’t spend enough time kayaking if it was my day job. The second I’m done for the day I just want to go back. It’s so nice to just get away from everything that wants my attention nonstop every day and allow myself to forget that anything exists outside of myself, the boat, and the water.

Lately I find it very emotionally exhausting just to be around most people. Unfortunately the river was incredibly crowded yesterday. I think I might take a day off of work soon and go by myself in the middle of the week. With everything that’s been on my mind lately, it takes a lot of effort for me to participate in regular conversation without seeming like a selfish jerk that can’t pay attention. I still try and force myself to be polite and hold conversations with people, but it takes a lot out of me. I think that’s why I like being on the river so much.

Yesterday was a lot of fun, but I didn’t find it to be as relaxing of a day as normal for some reason. I don’t have that post-kayaking calm today that I usually have for a few days afterwards.

I did jump off of a cliff from about 20 feet though. I had to climb a wall of rock to get there and got stuck in line behind a grown man whose fear was obvious in his voice.

Wait. Do I hold onto this knot or this knot? Oh, ok… Wait, do I jump from here or here? Oh, ok… Wait, when do I let go?

I wanted to shove him out of the way. I was apparently a little too eager to jump because I failed to get a good grip on the rope and fell off almost immediately after I jumped.

I landed pretty much face first and the last thing I heard before I hit the water was the entire crowd go “OHHHHHHH!”

My first thought was “Ouch”. My second thought was “I need to put my top back on before I get to the surface” My third thought was “Man, I wish I had gotten the chance to take a deep breath beforehand!”  Seriously, I was so eager to jump I didn’t even bother to take a deep breath first! Once I got above water I couldn’t breath. Either because the wind had been knocked out of me or because my lungs were full of water. I got a horrible headache almost immediately and about five minutes later all of the teeth on the left side of my face felt like they were going to fall out.

I’d do it again right now if I could. 

 

Playing Catch Up

The miracle is not to fly in the air, or to walk on the water, but to walk on the earth.

Life has kept me quite busy lately. I’m so behind on my housework it’s ridiculous. I’m. So. Tired.  I’ve been getting back into swimming laps at the gym again and that makes me pretty happy. When you’re in the pool, there’s nothing else in the world. There’s no interpersonal conflicts to resolve, nobody else needs you to listen to them, there’s not three months of mail that needs to be sorted, or appointments to reschedule because you missed them, no phone calls to return, no tasks lists, no calendars,  no code to debug for the millionth time. Nothing. It’s just you, your breathing pattern, and the sound of your own heartbeat magnified in the water.

Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid

They increased my medicine. I don’t seem to be tolerating it as well this time. I need to nap a lot more than normal (twice today already). I have virtually no appetite, and my shoes feel like they’re full of needles. My eyes can’t quite focus sometimes and it makes it really hard to work because I have to re-read the same line of code several times only to turn around and lose my place… I feel like I’m off balance about 70% of the time so I keep bumping into stuff. Worse than any of that though is feeling like my blood itches all the time. The joys of nervous system based medications. I suppose if I were brave I wouldn’t mention it at all though. I suppose I’m torn between martyrdom and pity. Somedays I wish I could just be like “Dear World, I know you all have problems and I have responsibilities, but I’m not coming out from under the covers today. I’ll see you tomorrow. Thanks.” But I don’t do that. I put the fact that my blood itches and tingles out of my mind and I continue to work through my to do list and be as pleasant as I can along the way.

But holy crap what I wouldn’t give for one day to just stay in bed all day, with no texts, or phone calls, or traffic.

Now You Tell Me

Over the last few weeks people have started to feel that the ‘dust has settled’ enough to start asking questions about my changed relationship status. I try to limit my response to , “Eh, it just didn’t work.” I don’t want to be one of those people that just trash talks the other person when it’s over. I’m not surprised by people asking, but what surprises me is the response. The general consensus has been “It’s about damn time you realized you could do better.” 

….what?

He also told me that someone he works with actually told him he was never going to do any better and should at least try to get me back. While that’s flattering, it’s also really mean.

So this has led to some interesting conversations including at least four different people telling me they were completely shocked when they met him. I’ve been told repeatedly that the first thing people thought when they met him was , “What is she doing with him?” This surprised the hell out of me and led me to further questions. Apparantly other peoples boyfriends actually tell them they’re pretty on a regular basis? I requested to be told this once and was told it would just “boost my ego”.  I agreed with this statement and never asked again.                                                                                                

I’m just so perplexed by the responses. There’s a part of me that feels a little…vindicated (?) but even more so I don’t believe the responses. I feel like they’re just unnecessary attempts at comforting me , even though I have no need for comfort. Is my self esteem that low that I not only don’t believe I deserve better, but also don’t believe the people that blatantly tell me so? How did that happen?

I Love Lamp.

I picked out a lamp by myself today. (Riveting stuff, right?)

So I walk by this lamp and I like it. Then I stop and stare at it and I start thinking , “Well, would anyone else like this lamp? What if other people think it’s ugly?”

I continued staring at this damn lamp. Then I realized, it doesn’t matter if anyone else likes it. I like it. It appeals to my sensibilities. I was so proud of myself walking through the store with that lamp that I picked out, entirely by myself. I even got crazy and picked out a rug too. (Look out now!)

When I checked out it took everything I had in me not to blurt out to the cashier, “I picked this lamp out by myself.”  I kid you not, I honestly almost said that.

I know a lot of people aren’t going to believe me, but I really am going to enjoy being single. I’ve actually decided that it’s going to take a very special person to come along and pull me out of single life. I promised myself when I put that lamp in my car that I will never again be with a man that I don’t absolutely adore.

 

What I Want Out Of Life

I was recently asked to answer 2 questions:

1) What do you want most in life?

I want to experience everything I can and have great stories to tell when I’m old. I want to be part of the old couple that gives young couples hope that true and passionate love not only exists, but can last forever. I want to be surrounded by love and have people to love. I want to make pancakes on Saturday mornings while I hear my kids laugh while their dad plays with them. I want a man that feels lucky to be with me every day and brings out the best in me, and vice versa. I want to be able to trust. I want to be needed and important, not in a “I need you to keep me comfortable, deal with my emotions for me , and take care of me” kind of way , but in a “my world is a better place because you’re in it” kind of way. I want someone to take care of me or be nice to me from time to time without making a big deal out of it or doing it for credit or making me feel guilty about it later.

2) What do you want right now?

I want my house to be clutter free and reflect my personality and be more welcoming. I want to see my friends on a regular basis. I want to want to be in my own home. I want to have fun, with whoever. I want people to stop putting their problems on me. I want to be a great person to be around that makes their life better by making other peoples lives better. I want to cook breakfast for my friends and go kayaking. I want to travel, anywhere. I want to do random things and go on road trips. I want to be fun and still be successful and responsible.

What it boils down to:

Relationships with amazing people. Awesome experiences. And just the right amount of pancakes.

Life is Change. Growth is Optional. Choose Wisely.

I love that I have such a good time with my friends that we’re the people that get stared at in public. That used to bother me but I’ve made more of an effort to just enjoy things and not let other peoples problems become mine. That’s not to say I’ve perfected this concept yet by any means.

Do good to your friends to keep them, to your enemies to win them. -Benjamin Franklin

The trouble I’m finding with having made more of an effort to be a positive energy is that it seems to exacerbate the energy others give off. It’s great if the other person has a general tendency towards positivity . I also feel like it  makes a lot of conversations that much more enjoyable, even if they’re about really boring topics (i.e. process models, or what the other person had for breakfast…) It also seems like being open and friendly can bring out very negative things in others. I feel like maybe there’s a resentment or a ‘misery loves company’ issue that comes into play that seems to make some people set their lasers to kill. I know I have to learn how to tease apart the difference between legitimate issues with me and personal issues that need to be resolved on the other side. All I can do is try to remember to be nice to people and let them deal with the rest themselves.

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I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

I watched an interview with world traveler Wendy Booker. Wendy has run 26 marathons, climbed several mountains, and is currently training to take a dog sled team to the north pole (which she plans to follow up with a trip to the south pole). Oh yeah, she also has multiple sclerosis. Makes you feel like a complete slacker, right? It should.

This woman has in some ways been given the gift of a true appreciation for life that many of us will never really have until it’s too late. I listened to her talk about her bucket list and how at 18,000 feet up Mt. Everest she started to panic because she thought to herself, “I have MS and I’m 18,000 feet up the side of a mountain!” She ended up going home because she was scared, but it didn’t phase her. She was disappointed, but she regrouped and has plans to try again in a few years (she’s like 50 btw). All of this should have made me feel like a loser for letting my knee keep me from running any half-marathons but she was just such a positive energy that instead it made me put on my running gear as soon as the interview was over. Did I actually go for a run? Nope. (It’s cold today!) But my point is that if you can’t climb the obstacle in front of you, it’s probably just an excuse.

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